I have stolen, um, I mean, borrowed the following entry from my friend Becki. Actually I asked her permission first, so it's not really stealing at all. Read it and see why she is my friend. I like to surround myself with funny people!
Movies I Will Not Be Seeing in 2009
Well, here we are, on the cusp of a new year, and you know what that means! That’s right! The media telling us what we’re going to like for the next twelve months! Following my perusal of several “must see” movie-lists, I’ve come up with my own “must not see” list.
After all, a girl’s got to stand up to the man.
1. My Bloody Valentine, 3D. If you have ever had the good fortune to spend more than 30 seconds with me, you know that I am a huge chicken. The line between “fear” and “fun” is very thick, well defined, and guarded with electric fence.
And barbed wire.
And gnomes, with guns.
I have never been able to comprehend the phrase “It’s not scary! It’s FUNNY!” How can you possibly get those two things confused?! “It’s not scary, it’s ALLEGORY!”, okay. “It’s not scary, it’s a DOCUMENTARY.” Sure. I’ll even go so far as “It’s not scary, it’s a METAPHOR FOR THE ROLE CULTURAL RELATIVISM PLAYS IN THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF CIVILIZATION.” But funny?! No.
I could spend all day complaining about why horror movies are not entertainment, but I know that some of you make your living as the voice of serial killer Vic Towbridge in “Exit Speed” (out on DVD now!). So I’ll just sum it up and say that just thinking about a horror movie in 3D makes me want to curl into the fetal position, and I can do that for free in my own home, thank you very much.
2. Fast and Furious. Am I delirious, or was this movie already made? Let me check the ol’ IMDB.com….hmmmm….yes. Yes, it was, only it had a few “ands” and “thes” that are now absent from this brilliantly concise title.
I have a few questions about this whole franchise. If you can answer them, please. Enlighten me. First of all, I would like to know who is seeing these movies. Single men? Frustrated married men? Single women trolling for lonely single men? Mechanics? Vin Diesel’s mother? Whoever they are, they must be stopped. Next, I would like to know if Vin Diesel’s last name had anything to do with his acquisition of this Role Of A Lifetime. I mean, it’s a car movie. And his last name’s Diesel. That would be like David Spade being in that “Holes” movie from a few years back.
You with me? Anyone laugh at that? No? Okay, moving on.
3. The Pink Panther 2. Let me just clear this up: I love Steve Martin. Love him. With the intensity of a thousand suns. And I also love stupid comedy. I mean, come on. I’m a Toth. It’s in our genetic makeup. But this…this is asking too much.
Steve Martin and a cast of commendable actors who clearly owe Steve Martin huge favors (perhaps he donated organs to their children?) run around and solve crime. Whatev. But you know what really gets me? Steve Martin’s girlfriend in this movie (Emily Mortimer) is, in real life, 26 years younger than him. Let the record show that if I was dating someone who was 26 years younger than me, I’d be escorting a 3rd grader on his field trip to Old Economy.
Twenty six years. Sheesh. Where I come from, that’s two generations.
4. Bride Wars. This really isn’t fair. I wouldn’t see this no matter who was starring in it, but the fact that it’s starring Anne Hathaway (who reminds me of a brunette Ronald McDonald) pushes this over the precipitous edge. I get it, I get it. Girls who are getting married morph into Mothra, and will eat your face off if you catch them on a bad day.
To be honest, I’m not a fan of the romantic comedy in general (with a small number of notable exceptions), and one could probably make a compelling case about my distaste for rom-coms and my general cynicism toward all things mushy being in direct proportion. But honestly? Are we doing women any favors with movies like this? Do men really need one more reason to think we’re cranky, overly emotional, and irrational? Or am I just thinking too much?
5. Land of the Lost. Oh. Em. Gee. People, only one thing terrified me more as a child than the army of Oompa Loompas in "Willy Wonka", and that is the Saturday morning television program, "Land of the Lost". A little history for you Becki-Buffs--Saturday mornings in my house were piano lessons for my mom. My siblings and I were permitted in the TV room ONLY during this time--apparently, we were "loud", "distracting", and "incredibly annoying". Anyway, once my siblings latched onto the fact that I hated this show, I was forced to watch it every freaking week. All channel changes must be democratically decided, of course, and I was outvoted 2-1 every time.
As some of you know, I have a paralyzing fear of dinosaurs. I had to leave "Jurassic Park" because I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I blame this show--even with it's lousy special effects, it did the trick and scared the crap outta me.
I read an interview with Will Farrell yesterday (he is starring in this movie, along with a bunch of people I've never heard of) in which he makes this comment:
"We thought it was better served if it errs more on the side of 'Jurassic Park' in terms of realism, and the dinosaurs are just scary as s---, and the comedy plays off of that. You're not going to see the zipper up the back of the Sleestaks' costumes."
Are you kidding me with this? I'd have to be hospitalized. No thanks.
And that, folks, ends not only our list of "Movies I Will Not Be Seeing In 2009", but also a sublist:
"Reasons Why Becki Will Die Alone In A Trailer Full Of Cats". Thanks for joining us.