October Blue

The house is never so quiet as when I close the door behind them after they get on the bus.
I had a long involved dream last night about being in a car crash - a silver Camero in the other lane rear-ended a red sports car which crossed the median and crashed into my car. I spun around and was thrown from the car into the street, where I lay semi-conscious for several minutes. These details are very clear. After that it gets fuzzier. A policeman came and was more interested in investigating the contents of the car's trunk than in helping me off the street. There was a roll of money in the trunk - a couple thousand dollars, and nothing more. I insisted I didn't know where it had come from, and it was my husband's car, but he certainly didn't keep wads of money lying around in the trunk. Then I had to follow the police car in my own car, and suddenly we were in a bad snowstorm and I couldn't drive or even see. I was still feeling shaky from being in the crash. Then there was something about being in a restaurant that a friend owned, and lots of people were coming in, and they didn't have enough food. I was dressed up in my Bride of Frankenstein outfit. And somehow I had to call Don and tell him I couldn't meet him because of the snowstorm, and also because I was going to leave him for the policeman.
For some reason, I'm feeling tired and headachey this morning.
I'll post this now, but I plan on trying to take some pictures of the sky later. There is just something about October that brings out the most incredible blue skies and color contrasts with the leaves. I remember distinctly that last year, on my birthday, I had just discovered the walking route that took me up to the top of the hills by the beautiful meadows. I remember looking at the sky and breathing the air, and feeling really happy.
This year, for some reason, I'm feeling blue. Overwhelmed, tired. I spent my birthday feeling old and dull and stupid. And fat. I've been trying to walk or run almost everyday, but I'm not making any progress.
It's frigging ridiculous how time consuming this application process is. If I had a full time job, I'd never be able to do it. I've spent at LEAST 20 hours this week alone on essay questions, ordering transcripts, requesting letters of recommendation, and filling out forms. And I'm not done yet!!!! And then I think about how small the chances are that I'll actually get into these programs, and it feels like a total waste of time. Of course, the chances are smaller if I don't apply, so there you are.
I'm applying to Brown's MFA Acting and MFA Directing programs, Yale's MFA Acting program (aim for the sky), Boston University's MFA Directing and MFA Theater Education programs, Regent's MFA Acting program, CMU's MFA directing program, UMass's MFA Directing program (if I can get around the GRE requirement), and possibly Virginia Commonwealth's and Savannah College of Art and Design's MFA Acting programs. In addition to two national Fellowship programs, and the National Resident Theater Acting and Directing Auditions. AND I contacted Pitt and let them know that I'm still interested, and still available, should they feel a sudden burning desire to fill another spot.
Today, I need to go buy some underwear and running bras. And write three more essays.
I will drive carefully.